Man Card: (noun) - The invisible, yet real card that
men carry which proves we are truly men.
A guy’s man card can be taken by another man when he says or does
something decidedly un-manly. Reasons
for getting your man card revoked include ordering a cosmo (or any other
‘girly’ drink) at a bar, watching “The Vow” without direct coercion from your
girlfriend, asking for directions, and crying for any other reason than when
Goose dies in ‘Top Gun.’
The list of reasons for getting your man card taken are not
limited to the above list, and very rarely does a guy hand in his man card on
his own. However, in a moment of
weakness on Monday afternoon, I voluntarily (and temporarily) surrendered my
man card and in the process, got a glimpse into the life of woman. This is a (mostly) true account of the events
of that frightful day.
The Female Greeting Dance
A few minutes after arriving on Monday, I was speaking with
a colleague when another teacher came in.
“Wow, Stephanie, your
hair looks great!”
“Thanks, I went to a
new hair salon on Saturday. I’m glad you
like it!”
“Where did you go? It
looks fantastic.”
I work in an environment dominated by the female
species. In the wild, I call encounters
such as these the “Female Greeting Dance.”
It usually consists of women seeing each other and gushing about:
a) A new hair
style
b) The outfit
they are wearing
c) Shoes
d) Jewelry
e) Any
combination of the above and how it matches so well
“Well,” I thought
to myself, “When in Rome…”
I turned to my friend Mark, the P.E. teacher, who had just
come in and was filling up his coffee cup.
“Mark, oh my
gosh! Did you just get new shorts? They look fantastic!”
Mark caught on immediately.
“Why yes, Johnny, I
did. I’m glad you noticed!”
“Did you do something
different with your beard too? It looks
so nice. You must have gotten a new kind
of razor,” I continued.
Mark tilted his head slightly to the side, scratched his
beard lovingly and said,
“Yes, it’s
springtime now so I thought a lighter beard would be more seasonal. I’m SOOO
glad you noticed!”
The two female teachers waited patiently for our mockery to
end.
“You’re boys. You have no idea what it’s like to be a
girl. You just wouldn’t understand…”
Mark and I laughed and left the office, ready to start our
days. Little did I know that in a few
short hours I would get a glimpse into the life of a woman, as I would
voluntarily agree to turn in my man card for a few hours after school was over.
Where No Man Has Gone Before
April 30th carries much historical significance for
our country. 199 years ago, the United States
purchased the Louisiana Territory from France, effectively doubling the
size of our nation. Also on April 30, Hawaii officially became a U.S. territory – this was in 1900. April 30 also happens to be the date which
marks the time man went where no man had gone before. No, we aren’t talking about Neil Armstrong
going to the moon. After school on the
afternoon of April 30, 2012 – perhaps for the first time ever – a man (me)
helped to plan a bridal shower. The
following is the transcript of the discussion by the Bridal Shower Task Force:
Mission Commander: “We
have to decide when to commence this operation.
The optimal choices seem to be on either 16 May 2012 or 23 May
2012. I’m going to make a command
decision to make it on 23 May.”
Task Force Member 1: “Roger
that. I’ll bring drinks. Who’s gonna
take care of food?”
(Silence)
Task Force Member
2: “I’ll get Chris to pick up all the expensive crap. Sucks for him that he’s not here.”
(Laughter)
Task Force Member 3: “I’ll
be in charge of decorations. The theme
will be ‘The Baltimore
Ravens’ because she likes purple.”
Mission Commander: “We
don’t need decorations because…. This is a fictional account of what would
happen if men planned a bridal shower.”
That’s right; this is not what actually happened; it’s what MIGHT happen if men were in charge of
bridal showers. Instead, the meeting was
filled with polite discussion on convenient dates, flowers, tablecloths, color
scheme, food, and gifts – all of which took into account the tastes and
thoughts of the bride-to-be.
Unfortunately, my main contribution – that it should be a Baltimore
Ravens theme – got shot down. I have no
idea why – the bride’s favorite color IS purple, she’s from Maryland, and really, is there a girlier
team than the Ravens? Just kidding, Ray
Lewis. Please don’t kill me.
In the process of getting a nacho bar approved as part of
the food spread, I also noted some very distinguishing differences between men
and women. For us men,
1)
It’s funny – not inconsiderate – to assign
unwanted jobs to people that aren’t present.
2)
A party does not need decorations.
3)
The only party that needs a theme is the Super
Bowl party.
4)
A party only needs food and drinks. Actually, just drinks. If we want food, we invite girls.
5)
The only people that you buy presents for are girlfriends
and relatives.
6)
The only time you buy presents are Christmas and
birthdays – and only if they live within a 10 minute drive. None of this giving baby shower gifts, bridal
shower gifts, bachelorette gifts, having a bad day gifts, or it’s my 3rd
month at my job gifts.
I also saw how a group of women got together to carefully
plan a party meant to celebrate an important event in one of their friends’
lives. Every detail was discussed and
every angle considered, and every decision made with sincere thought and
consideration about what the bride – our dear friend – would like. Above all, everyone was more than happy to
help out to make sure no one was overburdened with cost or the work
involved. I saw firsthand how women are
able to celebrate their friends in better ways than men (or maybe just I)
can.
Hugs, compliments, gift giving, and taking time to plan out
a party to celebrate loved ones – these are things that men just don’t do. And while we do demonstrate our friendship in
really
awesome and
deeply moving ways, it took an afternoon in the life of a
woman to also see the endearing nature of how the fairer sex considers and
celebrates their friends.
