"Mr. Lin, when are you going to get married?"

Continuing the series I’m doing on the letters I’m writing to my students, today’s question is from my student Alan*, who I wrote about earlier in the year:

“Mr. Lin, when are you going to be married? Or, do you have a girlfriend?”

Goodness, as if I don’t get enough of that from my parents,friends, and co-workers! Throw in the fact that it’s now wedding season and it seems as if I’m getting it from all sides. Don’t get me wrong… it’s not that I’m opposed to getting married. It’s just that finding a girlfriend is a process. And, the process of dating – as any single person in my age bracket can attest to – is daunting.

A Language Arts Lesson

When introducing vocabulary, teachers will often ask children to break down words into things that are familiar. Words often have prefixes, suffixes, or are compound words. For instance, the word ‘girlfriend’ is a compound word. If I were to teach the meaning of this word, it might go something like this:

Mr. Lin: “Class, what words do you recognize in this new word?”

Students A: “I see the word ‘girl’!”

Student B: “I see the word ‘friend’!”

Mr. Lin: “Great! Girlfriend is a compound word; we are combining the meanings of both words. So… what do you think the word ‘girlfriend’ means?”

In the world of education, this is called “Inquiry-based teaching”, and it allows children to determine for themselves the answers to questions, making things applicable and relevant for them by getting them to access their background knowledge in order to problem -solve. This isn’t a revelation; most of us learn and retain information better this way. Often however, children and adults alike come in with pre-conceived notions of things, and this might hinder our ability to learn and grow. Therein lays the problem when learning about what ‘girlfriend’ means.

A Compound Word

Ask any 5^th grader, and the words and phrases associated with ‘girlfriend’ are love, romance, kisses, holding hands, dates,and the like. These words come from their already-formed ideas of what the word means. However, when breaking down the word into its parts, here are Webster’s definitions:

girl – (noun) A single or married woman of any age

friend – (noun) One attached to another by affection or esteem

If you’re like me, you’re the same way as a 5^thgrader when thinking about what a girlfriend or boyfriend is. The thing is, I can recall the website of my best friend at his wedding in 2005 when he mentioned in their story that he was happy to be marrying his best friend – and clearly he meant his wife, and not me! I wonder… is that the missing component for many of us single folk when it comes to finding that person we want to spend the rest of our lives with? This makes me consider what the meaning of a good friend is…

On Friends

On my way back from a friend's wedding in New York last weekend, my time alone in the car allowed me to reflect on how fortunate I am to have incredible friends. Despite my many imperfections, I – like many of us I’m sure – have friends that would bend over backwards for me. They are there for me through thick and thin, treat me like family, and are loyal to a fault. And the thing is, it’s easy for me to act the same to them. We treat each other with honor and respect, easily putting the other person first simply because we want to – not because the other one did it first. Imagine if we treated our significant others in this way? This is not to say that we don’t fight with our friends. But it sure seems to be easier to let things go, and to forgive and be forgiven with them. In fact, I don' t think it would be presumptuous if I said that all of us keep a whole lot more of our friends than we do our girlfriend/boyfriends. Personally, my batting average with finding and keeping friends is darn near 1.000; with girlfriends it’s more like .000! Anyhow, on to my letter…

Dear Alan,

Thanks for your question! It’s always interesting to hear what my students are thinking. I recall when I was a student never knowing what my teachers’ personal lives were like, and I guess it’s only natural for the minds of my students to be curious about me, their teacher.

Even though students often think their teachers or parents know the answer to everything, we really don’t. After all, no one knows everything, and in fact I really respect people that admit when they don’t know something instead of pretending that they do. The key is to try and find out the answer if you don’t know! The question you asked me – “When are you going to get married” – is one of those things that I don’t know, unfortunately. In trying to find the answer, I probably need to first find the right person to marry, and learn how to be the right person for her as well. After all, getting married – and more importantly STAYING married – is not just a decision for one person.

Are you having a good summer? It’s been really hot – I hope you’ve been staying cool! It was really great watching you make progress this year in my class. I hope you work hard and continue to make progress next year in middle school! Come visit anytime – it’s always great for teachers to see what their former students are up to.

                                                                                                               Love,

                                                                                                               Mr. Lin

*Name changed