Coping with Loss

I was in denial.  I just had no idea until I was face to face with it.

Me?  Wrong?  No Way…

As a rule, humans fear and dislike change.  We are comfortable with how our lives are, so we don’t get that dog that we want (did it!), we don’t move to sunny California (yup), and we don’t leave a job we find merely bearable to pursue a different career (check!).  We all handle the idea of change differently, which leads some of us to believe we embrace change with no questions asked.  Perhaps some people truly love change, but perhaps some that think they love change are merely like me – in denial.  It wasn’t until I was faced with change that I wasn’t prepared for that I finally realized I wasn’t as forward-thinking as I thought I was.

The Work Wife

For those of us working adults, many of us have these.  Perhaps we don’t call it such, but in the arenas where we spend the vast majority of our waking moments, a phenomenon called the ‘work family’ develops.  Our work spouses and work moms encourage us, look after us, give us the benefit of the doubt by sticking up for us, but aren’t afraid to tell us – privately and with the right amount of firmness – when they don’t agree with our words or actions.  In other words, they not only make us better employees, but better people as well.  

I am fortunate to work in a place where the vast majority of my colleagues support each other above and beyond what is normal.  Therefore, when I lost my very special work mom last year I was sad to know I wouldn’t see her each day anymore.  However, because I was happy for what lay ahead of her, I thought that I was one of those people that embraced change.  This all changed in early June, when I got the news that my team leader – my work wife, mentor, and encourager-in-chief – was going to be the new science lab teacher, her dream job.  This also meant that she was going to be leaving the team.  So, I did what anyone in my position would do:  I went to see my boss.

Me:  “I hear there might be an opening in the 4^th grade next year.  Can I be considered for that position?”

Principal:  “No.”

Well, the conversation didn’t QUITE go like that - my principal is far to kind to respond as such.  However, he did let me know that I would now be the 5^th grade teacher who had been at the school for longest, so I would be asked to provide guidance and leadership to those that hadn’t been there for as long.  My role was going to change drastically – and change to something that I never envisioned when I became a teacher, change to something that I didn’t think I ever wanted, and change to something that I definitely didn’t think I was ready for.  That day – and every day for the next several weeks – I found that I didn’t embrace change like I thought I did.

In many ways, I’ve learned to cope with the change.  I learned to cope because I realized the root cause of my fear isn’t because I don’t know how I’ll handle the challenges that come with my new responsibilities.  Instead, my fear is the fear of how I’ll handle being without that friend, confidant, encourager.  It’s that fear of being without that person that not only makes me a better teacher, but also makes me WANT to be a better teacher.

The Student becomes the Teacher

Any teacher will tell you that we learn just as much from the students as they learn from us.  And, like me, my students moving to middle school will be going through a change that contains new peers, requires more responsibility, and presents experiences that they did not have in elementary school.  Each and every one of them is excited for what the unknown as to offer.  And, when asked,

“What will you miss most about elementary school?”

Almost all of them responded with something along the same line as my friend Malia*, who wrote:

Mr. Lin, you are the best.  Even though you hit us with your football, softball, and metal ruler **, I will still miss you.  I wish you were my teacher for my whole life.  I will also miss my friends.  My friends are so awesome.  My friends used to take care of me.

Letter to my Mentor

Dear friend,

Saying that it has been a joy to work with you does not do justice how much I loved and appreciated working with you.  Although the fear I have of my new responsibilities has subsided, it is only because you have been and still are a constant source of encouragement.  It is in this that I realize the real reason I was – and still am – afraid of what lies ahead of me.  You, Penny, and Judy have been like family to me.  You’ve always looked beyond the rough edges, pushed me in the right direction, and believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself.  Not only were you a great team leader, but a great leader by example.  

Thank you for working with me, putting up with me, and giving me the tools needed to succeed.  I’m truly happy that you – like Penny and Judy – are moving on to greater things.  I am finally realizing that I, too, am moving on in the same way – and it’s not that I believe I’m moving on to greater things.  It’s that YOU believe that I’m moving on to greater things because you believe that I’ll succeed… much in the same way that I know you’ll succeed in your new role.

Like my student wrote to me above, I think you’re the best.  Even though you hit me with challenges and responsibilities, I will miss having you on my team.  I wish that our original team from 2 years ago would be my team for my whole life because I will miss my friends.  You are so awesome, it's like you are like family – you take care of me.

                                                                                                Love,

                                                                                                Johnny 

* Name changed

** No children have been struck in my classroom - I promise!