Coping with Loss

I was in denial.  I just had no idea until I was face to face with it.

Me?  Wrong?  No Way…

As a rule, humans fear and dislike change.  We are comfortable with how our lives are, so we don’t get that dog that we want (did it!), we don’t move to sunny California (yup), and we don’t leave a job we find merely bearable to pursue a different career (check!).  We all handle the idea of change differently, which leads some of us to believe we embrace change with no questions asked.  Perhaps some people truly love change, but perhaps some that think they love change are merely like me – in denial.  It wasn’t until I was faced with change that I wasn’t prepared for that I finally realized I wasn’t as forward-thinking as I thought I was.

The Work Wife

For those of us working adults, many of us have these.  Perhaps we don’t call it such, but in the arenas where we spend the vast majority of our waking moments, a phenomenon called the ‘work family’ develops.  Our work spouses and work moms encourage us, look after us, give us the benefit of the doubt by sticking up for us, but aren’t afraid to tell us – privately and with the right amount of firmness – when they don’t agree with our words or actions.  In other words, they not only make us better employees, but better people as well.  

I am fortunate to work in a place where the vast majority of my colleagues support each other above and beyond what is normal.  Therefore, when I lost my very special work mom last year I was sad to know I wouldn’t see her each day anymore.  However, because I was happy for what lay ahead of her, I thought that I was one of those people that embraced change.  This all changed in early June, when I got the news that my team leader – my work wife, mentor, and encourager-in-chief – was going to be the new science lab teacher, her dream job.  This also meant that she was going to be leaving the team.  So, I did what anyone in my position would do:  I went to see my boss.

Me:  “I hear there might be an opening in the 4^th grade next year.  Can I be considered for that position?”

Principal:  “No.”

Well, the conversation didn’t QUITE go like that - my principal is far to kind to respond as such.  However, he did let me know that I would now be the 5^th grade teacher who had been at the school for longest, so I would be asked to provide guidance and leadership to those that hadn’t been there for as long.  My role was going to change drastically – and change to something that I never envisioned when I became a teacher, change to something that I didn’t think I ever wanted, and change to something that I definitely didn’t think I was ready for.  That day – and every day for the next several weeks – I found that I didn’t embrace change like I thought I did.

In many ways, I’ve learned to cope with the change.  I learned to cope because I realized the root cause of my fear isn’t because I don’t know how I’ll handle the challenges that come with my new responsibilities.  Instead, my fear is the fear of how I’ll handle being without that friend, confidant, encourager.  It’s that fear of being without that person that not only makes me a better teacher, but also makes me WANT to be a better teacher.

The Student becomes the Teacher

Any teacher will tell you that we learn just as much from the students as they learn from us.  And, like me, my students moving to middle school will be going through a change that contains new peers, requires more responsibility, and presents experiences that they did not have in elementary school.  Each and every one of them is excited for what the unknown as to offer.  And, when asked,

“What will you miss most about elementary school?”

Almost all of them responded with something along the same line as my friend Malia*, who wrote:

Mr. Lin, you are the best.  Even though you hit us with your football, softball, and metal ruler **, I will still miss you.  I wish you were my teacher for my whole life.  I will also miss my friends.  My friends are so awesome.  My friends used to take care of me.

Letter to my Mentor

Dear friend,

Saying that it has been a joy to work with you does not do justice how much I loved and appreciated working with you.  Although the fear I have of my new responsibilities has subsided, it is only because you have been and still are a constant source of encouragement.  It is in this that I realize the real reason I was – and still am – afraid of what lies ahead of me.  You, Penny, and Judy have been like family to me.  You’ve always looked beyond the rough edges, pushed me in the right direction, and believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself.  Not only were you a great team leader, but a great leader by example.  

Thank you for working with me, putting up with me, and giving me the tools needed to succeed.  I’m truly happy that you – like Penny and Judy – are moving on to greater things.  I am finally realizing that I, too, am moving on in the same way – and it’s not that I believe I’m moving on to greater things.  It’s that YOU believe that I’m moving on to greater things because you believe that I’ll succeed… much in the same way that I know you’ll succeed in your new role.

Like my student wrote to me above, I think you’re the best.  Even though you hit me with challenges and responsibilities, I will miss having you on my team.  I wish that our original team from 2 years ago would be my team for my whole life because I will miss my friends.  You are so awesome, it's like you are like family – you take care of me.

                                                                                                Love,

                                                                                                Johnny 

* Name changed

** No children have been struck in my classroom - I promise!

“I will miss the teachers the most…”

Continuing my series on letters to my students, today’s letter is to Alex*, who asked the following questions:

 “How old were you when you wanted to be a teacher?”

“How old are you?”

“How long have you wanted to teach?”

“How long have you taught?”

“How long were you in the Marine Corps?”  

and,

“When did you meet Ms. N.?”

 

The Greatest Common Factor

I’ve had successful students that are very affluent, successful ones that are on welfare, successful ones who have parents with graduate degrees, and successful ones whose parents don’t have any degree.  Similarly, I’ve had successful students of every race and ethnicity, but I’ve also had students that have struggled whose backgrounds that cover the entire spectrum as well.  However, the one consistency that I have noticed among the students that I’ve come in contact with is that the high performing students are the ones that are the most inquisitive.  Therefore, in order to develop young minds to be more curious, teachers will start their lessons with questions.  From there, lessons will progress and end so that students begin to ask their own questions.  In the world of education, the ability for children to synthesize their own questions and process is the highest form of thinking and the goal of every teacher for their students to attain. 

One key to getting students to ask questions is that important first step – modeling questioning and opening up their minds to what is being learned by accessing what they already know or have experienced.  Therefore, before I had the students ask me questions, I also asked them a series of questions.  One of these questions was,

“What will you miss most about ABC Elementary School*?”

To this, Alex wrote,

“I will miss the teachers and classmates the most because they are the people that make school fun.  For example, Mr. Lin…”

Who is Ms. N??

While I have a lot of growing to do in order to become a good teacher, one thing that I’ve done a pretty good job at is making learning interesting for my students.  For example, one time I brought my dad to class in order for them to learn that there were different kinds of doctors.  And, during the last month of school I brought my friend (read: NOT girlfriend) Ms. N. in – not so much for the students, but for Ms. N., who wanted to see what teaching at a public school would be like.  As much as I try to get my students to have inquisitive minds, I guess I should have expected the inquiries that I received from my students after she left!

“How old is she?”

“Is she going to be a teacher here?”

“Is she your girlfriend?”

I guess that explains some of the questions posed in their notebooks!  Anyhow, on to my letter to Alex…

 Value of Happiness  >  Price of Happiness

Dear Alex,

            It was fantastic having you in my homeroom this year!  I will always remember each day after dismissal, when you and the other students that were walkers or parent pick-ups would just hang out as if you didn’t want to leave school.  Whether it was completely silent because we were all reading one of the ‘Hunger Games’ books or you all were playing ‘Screaming Toes’, this time of day will always be one of my favorite memories from this past year.

            Despite the free time after dismissal, it was rare to have you ask me questions.  Perhaps it’s because I often give answers that you can’t take seriously – especially if it’s about me – but I’ll be glad to answer now.  Anyhow, the first thought that I had of becoming a teacher was right around the same time that I enlisted in the Marine Corps – around 1996 or so, a few months before I turned 19 years old.  I was in college at the time, and my thought at that time was that I would become a teacher as a second career after I had made a ton of money. 

            I kind of forgot about that thought for many years, but a few years ago I began to volunteer with kids at my church.  I loved it!  You’d be surprised how much more fun it is to be a child and in the world of a child… for example, I don’t know any adults who play ‘Screaming Toes’ while they are waiting for someone to pick them up!  My time with these kids made me realize that while money has its purposes and can make things more convenient, in itself it does not bring happiness.  Being a kid again and teaching kids was so valuable to me that I quit my job and became a teacher in 2010.

            As for my friend Ms. N., she is a friend of mine that I know from church who happens to live close to me as well.  She’s a teacher also, and teachers often like to visit other schools to see the similarities and differences.  I’ve gone to visit other schools and teachers several times, and each time I pick up something that I want to try in my classroom.  Learning from observing others is a great way to learn – in fact, I’ve seen you do it many times and that’s one of the reasons you are such a great student!  Keep doing that and you’ll continue to make yourself better.

            I know I didn’t directly answer all of your questions, but I left enough hints so that you should be able to figure out the answers for yourself.  Hope you’re having a great summer and I hope to see you sometime next year!

                                                                                                                           Love,

                                                                                                                           Mr. Lin


*Names changed

Heaven is like... a Big Barbeque?

Today, I’m taking a brief break from my ‘Letters to my Students’ series to tell you how Heaven – not that other place! – is like a barbeque… 

A Beautiful Saturday

Many Saturdays ago, I woke up and decided to have an impromptu barbeque at my house simply because the weather was spectacular.  I sent out the following email:

What’s up everyone,

In keeping with my M.O., I’m having a last minute BBQ at my place today and then watching Avengers after.  I have chicken marinating and ribs, and will prolly pick up dogs and burgers if enough ppl want to come out.  Or, you can just BYOM (bring your own meat) and I’ll toss it on the grill for ya.

Hit me up via text if you’re in (555-555-5555) so I know how many ppl to prep for.  I know a few of ya already expressed interest in either the movie or the BBQ so just confirm if you’re in.  Anyone I left off this email, feel free to send this invite along – everyone is welcome.

Unlike many of my spur-of-the-moment ideas, this one happened to be rather successful – over 30 people showed up, despite the fact that I emailed out an invite only a few hours beforehand!  I was so excited by the success that I gushed over it with a few friends at work the following Monday:

Friend 1: “Do anything cool this weekend?”

Mr. Lin:  “Yeah, I had a barbeque at my house on Saturday!  It was pretty awesome!”

Friend 1: “Oh yeah, sorry I couldn’t make it.  My husband and I already had plans, but next time let me know earlier!”

Mr. Lin:  “Haha ok, my bad.  You know how I roll… I need to get better at planning.”

Friend 2: “You had a barbeque and didn’t invite me??”

Although she was only giving me a hard time, she kind of had a point.  Or… did she?  After all, on my email I wrote:

“Anyone I left off this email, feel free to send this invite along – everyone is welcome.”

The Problem with Christianity

A not-so-long time ago, when I was a Christian only by name and not by faith, I struggled with many concepts.  One of my biggest issues was that only Christians were to go to heaven – which left out many people who were really awesome people.  I mean, most of my closest friends weren’t Christians, and honestly, they were (and still are) some of the best people that I know!  To me, it didn’t seem fair.  Fast forward 10+ years to the present, and I still have some of the same thoughts.  Although I now have some great Christian friends, I’m incredibly blessed with many truly amazing non-Christian friends.  Their unconditional love, integrity, and self-sacrificial nature are more in line with what the bible teaches than most Christians I know – myself included. 

As I’ve gotten to know the bible, I’ve slowly begun to understand some of the things that confounded me for all these years about Christianity.  First off, in Romans 3:21-26 it states that being a Christian doesn't make you a good person.  I mean, I’m a Christian and I still get caught up in lots of things that wouldn’t be considered Christ-like behavior!  The fact is we’re all the same… well, except for one detail.  In many ways, this difference is like the barbeque I was hosting – everyone is invited; it’s just whether or not we show up!

Heaven is like a Big Barbeque

After talking to some people that didn’t make it to my barbeque that Saturday, I realized that those that didn’t come fell into 3 categories:

1)      They didn’t know anyone else that was coming, so they decided not to come

2)      They didn’t hear from someone that I invited that I was having a barbeque

3)      They had already made plans

I’d guess these are similar reasons to why the city I live in has 5.26 million people, but there is only seating room for 150,000 in all the churches in the area:

1)      They don’t know anyone that goes to church, so they don’t go either

2)      No one invited them

3)      They have other things to do

Going to church isn't what brings about salvation, but it's a good introduction for anyone that's curious about Christianity.  So... for those of us that are Christians, when was the last time you asked one of your friends to come to church with you?  And, for those that aren’t Christians, when was the last time someone invited you? 

Friends,

            If anyone wants to come to church with me some day, I’ll be more than happy to take you!  If not, I still love ya and won’t think less of you… just like I’m sure you don’t think less of me for asking.  Thanks for reading my blog, and feel free to ask me questions about my faith!

                                                                                                            Love,

                                                                                                            Johnny

This is good, and it is pleasing in the sight of God our Savior, who desires all people to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth.  ~ 1 Timothy 2:3-4

"Can I warn next year's class about you?"

 Continuing my series on letters to my students which answer questions they have is today’s question, from my friend Adam*:

“Can I tell your class next year what it’s like in your class?”

It is the human condition to want to be liked.  Developmentally, children in elementary school want their teachers and parents to love them and approve of them.  In middle school and high school, we all want to be ‘popular.’  As adults, the approval of our peers and society helps drive how we act.  As a teacher?  I’m not sure how it is in other schools, but a team member and I had the following conversation last year:

Ms. S.: “Now that Penny’s gone, who’s going to be the ‘mean’ teacher?”

Mr. Lin:  “I want to be the mean teacher!”

Ms. S.:  “No!  I hope it’s me!”

In the world of education, the prophetic words of Nicolas Machiavelli ring true:

“It is better to be feared than loved”

I begin every year telling my students that 5^th grade will be the hardest year of their lives.  I tell them that I’m not here to be their friend; rather, my job is to make sure they are learning.  I let them know that it isn’t my job to get them to like me, and if it’s important to them for me to like them, they need to work harder than they ever have before.  To me, work habits are just as important as their performance at the elementary level, so for my students to earn an ‘A’, they need to not only show their mastery of material, but also show me their best effort.  On top of that, I expect my students to respect each other and learn to become good citizens.  Because of my standards, I tell them that I’ll be the meanest teacher that they have ever had.

If you’ve ever been in my classroom however, you might share the same sentiment as my student Kaylee*, who wrote at the end of the year,

“The first time I met you I thought you were mean and I didn’t think I could survive in your class.  But once I started to know you, I thought you were the best teacher! In the whole wide world!  Even though you could be mean sometimes, I know you were just trying to make us safe or look out for us.”

One of the greatest lessons I ever learned as a teacher was one that wasn’t even meant to be taught – it was a lesson by my friend Penny who told me that although she was tough, her kids knew that she loved them.  That’s what I want to be for my students – a teacher that is hard on them because I care.  I want them to know that I won’t give up on them, so they can’t give up on themselves either.  So… what do I write to my friend Adam, who I was hard on but who told me at the end of the year I was really nice?

Dear Adam,

            Thanks for your question!  I’m really glad that you want to tell future students what it will be like in my classroom.  What you tell them is up to you, but in doing so keep in mind what I’ve always told you:  with everything, honesty is the best answer.  If you’re honest with people, not only is it helpful to them but they will trust and respect the things you say.  And, just as importantly, you need to be honest with yourself – this will allow you to make better decisions in your life.

            Therefore, I fully endorse you being honest with future students.  You may surely tell them that I’m a tough, mean teacher who is always in a bad mood.  Let them know that they better work hard, or they need to beware of my whacking stick.  And, they should know that the 5^th grade will be the hardest year of their lives.  Please don’t lie to them and tell them I’m nice or that I’m a fun teacher.  If you do, the rigors of the 5^th grade might come as a shock to them, and I want my students to come into the year prepared to give their best effort.

            I hope you’re having a great summer!  It was great going for ice cream with you and Frankie* a few weeks ago.  I’m really proud of how much you were reading by the end of the year – those weren’t easy books either!  Keep me updated next year on how you are doing – if you keep up the hard work and get good grades, maybe we can go out for ice cream again.  Best of luck next year!

                                                                                                                Love,

                                                                                                                Mr. Lin

*Names Changed

"Mr. Lin, when are you going to get married?"

Continuing the series I’m doing on the letters I’m writing to my students, today’s question is from my student Alan*, who I wrote about earlier in the year:

“Mr. Lin, when are you going to be married? Or, do you have a girlfriend?”

Goodness, as if I don’t get enough of that from my parents,friends, and co-workers! Throw in the fact that it’s now wedding season and it seems as if I’m getting it from all sides. Don’t get me wrong… it’s not that I’m opposed to getting married. It’s just that finding a girlfriend is a process. And, the process of dating – as any single person in my age bracket can attest to – is daunting.

A Language Arts Lesson

When introducing vocabulary, teachers will often ask children to break down words into things that are familiar. Words often have prefixes, suffixes, or are compound words. For instance, the word ‘girlfriend’ is a compound word. If I were to teach the meaning of this word, it might go something like this:

Mr. Lin: “Class, what words do you recognize in this new word?”

Students A: “I see the word ‘girl’!”

Student B: “I see the word ‘friend’!”

Mr. Lin: “Great! Girlfriend is a compound word; we are combining the meanings of both words. So… what do you think the word ‘girlfriend’ means?”

In the world of education, this is called “Inquiry-based teaching”, and it allows children to determine for themselves the answers to questions, making things applicable and relevant for them by getting them to access their background knowledge in order to problem -solve. This isn’t a revelation; most of us learn and retain information better this way. Often however, children and adults alike come in with pre-conceived notions of things, and this might hinder our ability to learn and grow. Therein lays the problem when learning about what ‘girlfriend’ means.

A Compound Word

Ask any 5^th grader, and the words and phrases associated with ‘girlfriend’ are love, romance, kisses, holding hands, dates,and the like. These words come from their already-formed ideas of what the word means. However, when breaking down the word into its parts, here are Webster’s definitions:

girl – (noun) A single or married woman of any age

friend – (noun) One attached to another by affection or esteem

If you’re like me, you’re the same way as a 5^thgrader when thinking about what a girlfriend or boyfriend is. The thing is, I can recall the website of my best friend at his wedding in 2005 when he mentioned in their story that he was happy to be marrying his best friend – and clearly he meant his wife, and not me! I wonder… is that the missing component for many of us single folk when it comes to finding that person we want to spend the rest of our lives with? This makes me consider what the meaning of a good friend is…

On Friends

On my way back from a friend's wedding in New York last weekend, my time alone in the car allowed me to reflect on how fortunate I am to have incredible friends. Despite my many imperfections, I – like many of us I’m sure – have friends that would bend over backwards for me. They are there for me through thick and thin, treat me like family, and are loyal to a fault. And the thing is, it’s easy for me to act the same to them. We treat each other with honor and respect, easily putting the other person first simply because we want to – not because the other one did it first. Imagine if we treated our significant others in this way? This is not to say that we don’t fight with our friends. But it sure seems to be easier to let things go, and to forgive and be forgiven with them. In fact, I don' t think it would be presumptuous if I said that all of us keep a whole lot more of our friends than we do our girlfriend/boyfriends. Personally, my batting average with finding and keeping friends is darn near 1.000; with girlfriends it’s more like .000! Anyhow, on to my letter…

Dear Alan,

Thanks for your question! It’s always interesting to hear what my students are thinking. I recall when I was a student never knowing what my teachers’ personal lives were like, and I guess it’s only natural for the minds of my students to be curious about me, their teacher.

Even though students often think their teachers or parents know the answer to everything, we really don’t. After all, no one knows everything, and in fact I really respect people that admit when they don’t know something instead of pretending that they do. The key is to try and find out the answer if you don’t know! The question you asked me – “When are you going to get married” – is one of those things that I don’t know, unfortunately. In trying to find the answer, I probably need to first find the right person to marry, and learn how to be the right person for her as well. After all, getting married – and more importantly STAYING married – is not just a decision for one person.

Are you having a good summer? It’s been really hot – I hope you’ve been staying cool! It was really great watching you make progress this year in my class. I hope you work hard and continue to make progress next year in middle school! Come visit anytime – it’s always great for teachers to see what their former students are up to.

                                                                                                               Love,

                                                                                                               Mr. Lin

*Name changed

Questions from my students: Into the Mind of an 11 Year Old

Routine is what keeps kids sane… and teachers for that matter.  Kids don’t handle change well, and any teacher can attest to the insanity that follows a change in schedule.  As wonderful as it is to not have the stress of a curriculum to keep pace with, the end of the year can be a struggle because every day brings a different schedule.  Couple this with the excitement of the upcoming summer and a potential mini-Armageddon is brewing during the last week at your local elementary school.  Freedom is so close it is palatable… what kinds of creative activities could I, a notoriously uncreative person, come up with to ensure my students and I all get to the summer break unscathed?

Like any other teacher, all year my students have bombarded me with questions.  Don’t get me wrong; questions are great.  However, many questions are completely off topic and we would never get through everything we need to learn if I answered them all.  Plus, kids are naturally curious creatures and I’d prefer to keep the details of my usually boring life to myself.  Therefore, one of the activities I gave my students during the last week of school was the following prompt:

What questions do you have for Mr. Lin?  I will write you a letter over the summer and answer them for you.

I told them I would write them each a letter over the summer and try to answer their questions.

Over the next few weeks, I’ll share with you their questions. Then, I’ll share with you my letters as I do my best to answer their questions.  It should no doubt be a fascinating look into the mind of a child.  Today’s questions come from a student we’ll call Nicolas:

Mr. Lin, who is the fastest in your class?  Obviously it’s me, but still…

Who is your best student?

Don’t I look good in black and red?

Would I look good bald?

Would I be a good king for France?

Can you beat up Jackie Chan?

Wow, what an assortment of questions.  I didn't think the first question was actually a question, so I'm going to skip that one.  But let's see if I can answer the rest...

Dear Nicolas,

I hope you are having a great summer!  I really enjoyed having you in my class this past year.  At times, you were my best student.  I especially liked how you always had a great attitude, and one of your greatest characteristics is that you are your own person.  Not only did it not bother you when people laughed at anything you did or wore, but you relished it!  Your style is definitely one-of-a-kind, and anything you wore – whether black and red or not – was definitely ‘cool’.  Therefore, I’m sure that you’d look great bald!  Perhaps you should wait on that hair cut though; if  you’re still interested in joining the Marine Corps years from now, you’ll get a first hand look at what you’d look like since they shave the heads of every recruit in boot camp. 

Your last two questions reminded me of another reason I loved having you in my class – I never knew what kind of things would be running through your head!  While you do need to work on staying focused, your inquisitive nature is something that will serve to benefit you because I’ve always felt that great minds are always asking questions.  Since it takes great minds to lead countries, you can be a great leader if you work hard.  Unfortunately, I don’t think you can be the king of France because they no longer have a monarchy – which means France doesn’t have kings anymore.  As for whether or not I can beat up Jackie Chan, he seems like a pretty nice guy so I think I’d let him be.  Remember, fighting is a last resort – it takes more courage to talk things out than to fight.  

Thanks for the great questions, and I hope you’ll write me or drop in and let me know how you’re doing next year.  Best wishes next year in middle school!

                                                                                              Love,

                                                                                             Mr. Lin

Stay tuned for more letters. 1 down, 23 to go!

Happy Birthday, America!!!

On July 4^th, 1776 the 2^nd Continental Congress adopted the Declaration of Independence, officially severing ties with the British Empire.  Today, 236 years later, we all celebrate by taking the day to relax, barbeque with friends, and watch/set off fireworks to commemorate the event. 

 

One of the great parts of being a teacher is that I get to teach my students about our holidays and help them gain a greater understanding of why they are important.  For MLK day,we read and discussed Dr. King’s famous ‘I Have a Dream’ speech, and then tooklines that meant a lot to us to make poems from his great words.  For Veteran’s Day when I was student teaching, I wore my dress blues to school and talked to a rapt audience about what Veteran’s Day is and why we celebrate it.  However, Independence Day falls in the middle of summer so I don’t get to talk about this great holiday to my students. Do kids grow up thinking that is about cookouts and fireworks? 

As humans, it’s common for us to lose sight of the importance of events as we move further in time from them.  Easter and Christmas have become distortions of their original meanings, and I hope that Independence Day does not move in the same direction.  Today, I realize how spoiled I am that I get to experience the kind of freedom our forefathers fought for.  While I often don’t agree with our government, the very fact that I can openly disagree is because of the men that led our nation years ago, and those that currently lead it now. 

Thank you to the countless men and women that established our nation and continue to lead and protect us.  Happy Independence Day to all Americans!!!